Who makes this stuff up?

Yesterday my phone rang and the caller ID showed the name of a highly regarded survey organization. I answered and agreed to participate in a survey about my experience with my bank. No doubt many of you have had a similar experience. What startled me was how inane the survey questions were. Among the standouts (followed by my reaction):

"Agree or Disagree: It was easy to find the person you needed to deal with"
Sorry, but Forrest Gump could have found the teller blindfolded.

"Agree or Disagree: The teller made me feel special"
Thankfully I have enough going on in my life that I don't need to interact with a teller in order to feel special.

"Agree or Disagree: Bank such-and-such is a name I can trust"
Frankly, I tend to trust people rather than names.

"Agree or Disagree: I can't imagine a world without Bank such-and-such"
You've got to be kidding! Who makes this stuff up?

I could not believe that the survey organization constructed these questions. In fact the interviewer on the other end of the line chuckled when I suggested that these questions sounded like the product of the bank's marketing department rather than the survey firm. My question is, who at the bank crafted this nonsense and what did they expect to do with the data?

If the bank's executives want people to trust the firm, they need to select and promote people who conduct themselves in a trustworthy fashion. They don't need to waste time determining whether their tellers make people feel special, but they should select tellers who have an innate capacity to graciously and politely engage customers. Thoughtful hiring and promotion decisions are not that difficult if you have expert systems in place, and the results will be far more beneficial than what the bank will derive from its survey.

Thankfully, my most recent transaction at the bank had occurred the day before - I was there to close out my account.